Professor Sexson's words lately about apocalypses have really hit hard for me. Not because I feel that I am old but because the apocalypse of my education is about to pass. I have spent the past 17 years searching for, gaining, and relearning all of the knowledge that I had forgotten. All of these years will lead up to that one moment when I am finally able to walk across that stage in Brick Breeden and look up at my family as I move that tassel from one side of my cap to the other. That seems like such a simple apocalypse but as we all know by now looks can be deceiving.
When considering the end, I decided to look at the part of Ecclesiastes that Dr. Sexson read to us. It was so moving. Now I can't personally relate to all of the physical changes that were described but I can understand the emotional tugs that they would create. "I find no pleasure in them". This is so true of any apocalypse that it just rung true in me. I used to enjoy school and the act of learning but now no longer find the pleasure in it that I used to. I think that when anyone comes close to an end of a period in their life, the passage from Ecclesiastes really does describe the feelings that goes through the mind.
Before taking this class, I had always imagined an apocalypse looking like a huge explosion or the end of the world. But I was wrong. It truly is an understanding of knowledge. If you want to look at it on the mental plane, it could be an explosion. I am sure that we have all had the feeling of our minds exploding when something finally makes sense. I know I have had that feeling many many times, even though I am usually more confused when the euphoria wears off than I was before. That is what school is really about. Graduation doesn't mean that this feeling won't happen again but that it needs to start happening in a new environment. We must all move on sometime.
In the Ecclesiastes reading, it seems as though the elderly have calmly accepted that their life is about to end. Accepted that the apocalypse of life is about to take place. I envy the feeling of acceptance. I am sure there is sadness that accompanies the acceptance but it isn't the predominate emotion. Right now I am just feeling the sadness as I imagine moving hundreds of miles away where I know no one. But I am sure I will reach the acceptance part of the emotion spectrum.
This has all been leading up to my realization of why we have to have apocalypses. We need them just as much as we need creation and initiation. Without the apocalypses, creation and initiation would have no purpose. We need the end in order to realize the beauty of the beginning and of the quest. If I wasn't about to end my college career, I would not realize how precious my time here really was. If my life wasn't forever changing in three weeks, I wouldn't truly see how much this campus, the professors, and my classmates have really changed me. Even though I will not experience a huge physically explosion, the internal explosion I will feel will be just as great. Some of my classmates have decided not to walk across that stage because they think it will be a waste of time. But they are completely wrong. This one walk across a stage is one of the most important walks of our life. It rivals that first time walking ever, the walk across the stage for high school graduation, that walk down the isle, and that finally walk into the light. We all need to walk towards our personal apocalypses, not run away from them. Only by seeking the apocalypse, can we gain the complete knowledge that they possess.
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